Tuesday, April 04, 2006

 

Today's Head-lines

More headlines from my Safari browser (courtesy of the BBC). Remember: The headlines are true, the stories are false.

Top US Republican stepping down
Washington (PE) President George Bush today announced plans to "step down" when his term is completed in 2008. Although forces within the Republican Party, including Karl "Carl" Rove, had been planning for Bush's continued presidency past 2008, citing the War on Terror and the stability Bush would give the country, Bush squashed those hopes with today's announcement.
"I hearby annunciate that I'll be stepping down in 2008 to let Jeb take a stab at this thing," Bush said.

S Africa's Zuma denies AIDS risk
Boer Chemical, makers of the popular South African alcoholic beveridge Zuma, declared today that there is no risk of contracting AIDS by consuming their product. A company spokesman told reporters that while sexually promiscuous people and gay men are welcome to enjoy as much Zuma as they would like, the main support for the drink comes from family-oriented consumers.
"We just want to distance ourselves from that other drink, the gay one," he said. "Zima."

Israeli missles hit PA compound
Israel issued a formal apology today after mistakenly firing missles into a Pennsylvania farm.
"We misread the map. It's understandable," said the acting prime minister of Israel.
Fatalities included two cows and a chicken.

Fears for Columbia Indian group
Finally settling accounts after two centuries, the United States offered a group of Native Americans in Columbia compensation for tribal lands taken by the federal government in the 1830s.
"In return for their lands, we have given these Native American groups a priceless commodity: Fears. We have given them fear of terrorists, fear of mismanagement of their retirment funds and many other fears to boot. Now they can enjoy the same fears as 'regular' Americans," said a US official. "Most importantly, we have put the fear of God into them, and that's what really counts."

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