Saturday, March 25, 2006

 

Head-lines

My new Firefox browser kindly provides a "latest headlines" tab in the bookmark bar which enables me to scan the newest news coming from the BBC. Of course, headlines are often misleading as they must fit a summary of an entire news story into, often, three or five words.
Because I am often short of time for such matters, I don't often actually click on the news stories. Every so often on this blog I will post some of the headlines accompanied by a news brief I imagine comes from that headline. Keep in mind that the headlines are true, the briefs false.

March 25:
"Microsoft delays Office relaunch"
Seattle (PE) - Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen announced today plans to covert the company's 50-acre office park into a generational Earth colony pod space ship would be delayed. Allen, a speculative fiction fan who helped fund Seattle's Science Fiction museum and hall of fame in the Space Needle, had previously announced his plan to lauch Microsoft's offices into the solar system last year. The delay is said to be a result of a disagreement with fellow Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates, who had previously expressed a strong desire to stay here on Earth.
"Just as we've allowed countless people to travel in cyberspace, we feel it is important for our employees to take that next step and travel through actual space," Allen said. "While that plan may be delayed, rest assured, it won't be long until Microsoft is spreading its message of peace, love and monopoly throughout the galaxy."

"Testicle cells may aid research"
Chicago (PE) - University of Chicago microbiologist Phil Stanton said today he would like to do some "research" on newly hired lab assistant Brenda Keyes. Upon her hire, Keyes nearly immediately attracted the attention of male scientists throughout the biology lab.
Stanton said the driving forces behind his desire for the potential research are his "testicle cells," which he said "are probably in a frenzy down there" every time Keyes enters the room.
In an abrupt interview, Keyes called Stanton and his fellow microbiologists "dorks" and refused to be the subject of thier research.
"I don't get paid enough for this," she said.

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